I would like

more time to hang out with my friends

I would also like if stupid hypocritical people who claim that I'm mean, weren't mean enough so that that becomes impossible.

Thank you.

Badly.

I can no longer stand to be in a house where it's weird for an argument not to be happening between my parents.

I really hate senior girls.

I get annoyed with everyone pretty easily actually.

Prom drama never stops.

I have to take a calc quiz tomorrow on stuff I completely don't understand, after missing the review for the stupid choir festival today, and I'm already failing the class.

I'm worried about the AP exam.

I'm not allowed to go to Kiddums prom where I'd actually have a great time for a night because my mom insists that me going to the caberet with tons of people that I can't stand is more important.

If Mrs. Hill is actually coming to Col's show, the one weekend I get with him. I will burst into tears or kill her. It's a toss up really.

I'm crazy emotional about all these dumb things even more because I'm constantly in some sort of pain, prone to breakdowns over all of the deaths in this year, getting into fights with my mother, and missing my boyfriend.

I miss being me. I miss being crazy and having fun.
I need college. I need a new start to be myself and find myself.

There's been too much drama this year.
I need to get away.

I've hit that point in a long distance relationship where I feel like I'd rather die than be doing this.

And that's not Col's fault. It's just that I don't know how to handle things by myself.

I'm weak.
I need someone.
I need to be held, I need to be loved.

I can't handle being so damn scared, grieving, and lonely all at the same time by myself.

I should be strong enough to handle my life. To handle the grief and the fear by myself.
But I just can't. I need comfort.

But I can't have that.
So here I am.
I hate this. I hate everything. Nothing gets better. I truly believe that.

That's my whiny rant.
The end.

Bad news and good news.

Bad news - I have Lupus.

Good news - It seems like it might be drug-induced Lupus which means that I have the gene for Lupus for some reason, and certain medications that I've been on for awhile have triggered it. So, I can no longer take my acne medicine, or my birth control...which is super....and in two months they'll check my blood again. If there's no sign of Lupus and my pain seems to have been going away, then I'm fine. If it gets worse before the two months are up then most likely I have Lupus anyway and need to go to the rheumatologist as an emergency and have him put me on steroids which will have tons of fun terrible side effects on my body.

I'm thinking it's probably drug-induced. Seems that way, so I'll be fine. But the thought of this not going away...of me having SLE...my life as I know it would be over.

I'm sure there's no reason to be, but until I make it two months, I'm scared to death.

Sorry to any friends who read this and didn't know.
I didn't want to talk about it today. This seemed easier.

Goodnight, Folks.

I hate coming home. I hate it.
There used to be things that made it okay, that even made me look forward to it and those are stupid cats.
Michael's gone. He's been gone, and I still miss him everyday.
Now Simon, the adorable five month old kitten that followed me everywhere is gone too.
He was five months old, and I had to hold him and watch him die. I still can't stop picturing it in my head and it drives me insane. He was so fucking tiny...he changed my life in two months, and now he's gone.

I want love in this house again. I want a reason to want to be here again. Megan's home temporarily but then she'll be gone, and I still have Ricky and Tasha around but they're both pretty indifferent to my existence. The cats that I had a loving relationship with just die.

My dad's coming home from the hospital in a bit, because on top of all this my grandpa's dying. We've been told it's pretty much only a matter of time. I don't know if I really want to see my dad, I hate seeing him upset. I hate being this upset.

I dreamed about Simon and Grandpa last night and I woke up crying.

I hate death.

I want this all to not be happening.

not very bright.

I accidentally took two of my allergy pills in one day because I forgot I had taken one already..
...So I pretty much passed out for the entire day. I'm soo smart.

Probably not good considering I have to miss school tomorrow, but whatever. Hopefully they'll still let me be at rehearsal so I don't miss that at least.

-I'm going to Arcadia tomorrow to sit in on classes. I'm excited but scared to see how it'll be.

-Maybe I am materialistic. Not as bad as girls I know, I know that. But I guess a girl's still a girl and I can be.
*Shrugs* Oh well. It happens. It won't be the end of the world.

- My mom just started to talk to me about condoms. That was weird.


I was going to update more, but my head feels like it's going to explode. So I'm going to go lay down until practice

Just made my life so much better. Cutest thing ever.

It's been awhile since I've done an emo rant.

-I go to Arcadia to spend the night Wednesday. I'm scared. I'm an awkward person and I have to spend 24 hours with a random girl.
Maybe I'm also scared that I'll like Arcadia a lot. As long as I have a good time doing the overnight thing, I figure I'm going there...and that means this terrible, awful long distance thing for years.
Now that's terrifying. I don't think it'd work after years...But I can't base a college decision off of that, and I know that. It just sucks knowing that.

-I need to see a therapist. Pretty badly, I guess. But I can't. After I talk to one I know they'll just put me on pills, and I really don't want that. Pills can't stop the real problem, just the symptoms. I don't know what to do. I don't want help, but I know I need it.

-I wish I wanted to be a voice major. Because Mr. Walker talked to me about Westminster and kept saying "I know kids like you. I'm not pressuring you...I'm just saying you might find you miss it, and then you need to call me. Because you're too good for those schools." Who knows, maybe I will change my mind. I wish I wanted to sing forever. I just don't think I do. Maybe I mostly don't because of my mother. I don't know. I'll figure it out after freshman year. I go somewhere, away from home. Then maybe I will miss it..I know I'll miss it. But is just missing enough to want to spend the rest of my life doing it? We'll see.

-Also, I love Mr. Walker.

-I need to watch what I'm eating. I'm not saying I'm fat. I've just put on weight, and I know I need to watch it.

-I need to make myself do more work.

-I like being Jack's Mom after all. I've spent a lot of time with Walker working on how to be a crazy mother.

-I miss Micheal so much. I love my kittens, a lot. But I still cry over Micheal a lot too. I will never stop loving that damn cat.


*sighs*
well, that's it. I should play with the kittens and do some homework.
My birthday's in less than a week, that's something to look forward to.

Goodnight, Folks

I thought senior year was going to be bad. I had no idea.

There's nothing to look forward to, there's no happiness. There's no things are going to get better.

I am miserable.
Completely, utterly, and permanently miserable.

And because I'm miserable, I make everyone else miserable.
So I have no one.

I am no one.

I'm very alone and pointless.
I ruin everything, everyone. I'm sorry. I can't help being unhappy.


...I have nothing....absolutely....nothing.


I'm sorry for this.

If we are who are we are, then how can we stop ourselves from becoming what we don't want to be, if it is who we will be?



Also,
I think there's a distinct possibility that I shouldn't go into theater.
But then I have no fucking idea what I'm going to do either...and why I'm looking at colleges I am.


I am me. But I'm not me. Very much and all at once.




I'm going to go blow up now.

to be able to have one thing this year to make me not want to kill myself.


And I fucking ruined it for myself.

I really hate life.
I'm done.

- My cat

- The Witch

- My boyfriend

- My parents not to be depressingly and awkwardly out of love.

- Calculus to make some sort of sense

- A chance to prove myself

- My eyes to fix themselves, because I don't want glasses

- All of Howard's papers to go away

- Not to be incredibly stressed



I love my friends, and I realized this week how lucky I am and how many people I have there for me.
But, I still can not wait and need Colin and my sister to be home.
Just...without the damn cat, my house is so loveless and empty. My parents don't even talk in public anymore lately, and the other cat has actually proven now several times to hate me...I just feel alone here now. I never realized a cat could make that difference.


Oh well. Pondering has relieved some of the "Imgonnablowup" stress of Calculus and call backs.

Goodnight, Folks.

hate hate hate hate hate hate hate
divas

and people who purposely try to provoke drama



i wish I could get this part. I fucking love it. It would mean so damn much to me to finally get to prove myself.

I'm trying so hard, and I'm only going to keep trying. But I still know the reality of how things are going to end up, and that sucks so fucking badly.

Oh well. There's nothing else I can do but try.
I just hate getting my hopes up. I want it too badly.


Goodnight, Folks.

Micheal's dead.

I don't know how to stop crying.
I don't know how I'll stop thinking that that stupid cat sat with me whenever I was crying.

This is something that can't be made better.
I loved him. And we let him die in a fucking hospital. He was scared, he was alone, he thought we abandoned him there. He doesn't know how much i loved him. I'm so sorry.

Colin's leaving today, Meg's leaving today, Glor's gone all week.

I don't know how I'm going to survive.

Everything makes me think of him, I can't stop. He's gone, and that's never going to stop hurting.
God, I loved him.

is my baby.

He has a heart murmur.

He's lost 50% of his body weight.

He weighs five-six pounds now.

They think he might have kidney disease, but we have to wait until blood results on Monday to find out.

I'm scared something will happen before then.

he's the most hyperactive cat in the entire world, and he's sitting...not moving...not responding to anything.

I'm a mess.

-I don't know what happened to the close friendships with best friends I used to have. We're not supposed to grow apart until next year, this year's supposed to be about being together.

-I have a habit of doing stupid things out of loneliness.

-I'm really glad there are amazingly sweet people in my life who take care of me even when the person that was supposed to doesn't give a shit.

- I need to hang out with those people more, because they all make me happy.

- I fucking love the fall play juniors for making my life with senior gifts ^_^

- I also really love adorable gay waiters, who bring me crayons and make fun of us for word search racing.

- ...The phone just rang. I'm accepted to Albright!...wasn't expecting that. Cool.

- Although now I'm really gonna start having to debate where I'm going.

- I can't believe I had my last fall play. Holy shit, Man...I'm accepted to two colleges and I just had my last fall play...weeeeirrrdddd.


- My parents are yelling...wheeeee

- I really don't want to fail my Calc test. I need to study my ass off in a little while.

- Musical auditions make me want to blow up already.

- I get way too emotional and hurt too easily.

- I can not wait for my Colin to be home in two days.


I'ma gonna go bake cookies to make myself happier.

Goodnight, Folks.

Alright, I need to be whiny. I apologize.

-I think mostly what's upsetting me currently is the fact that I've put on weight. Which yes, is lame, and no I'm not saying I'm fat so don't get mad at me. I just, bleh. My homecoming dress was like painfully tight and it fit this summer...sooo that proven realization that I've let myself get a lot heavier, is just not so awesome right now. I just wasn't quite ready to be definitely shown the amount of weight I've put on. I need to actually start watching what I eat and eating healthy, and exercise. I'm embarassed of myself right now, and it doesn't feel good at all. I'm lazy, but I need to do something about this before it gets worse. I'm way too upset and embarrassed for myself but I can't help it. It's painful to me. I want to go back to a few years ago and how I looked. I'm too self-conscious and it drives me insane. I try not to give a shit anymore, but I really do. It hurts.

-I don't have many friends, and the ones I do have are slowly drifting further and further away.
I feel ridiculously lonely.

-Homecoming was really fun at times. I just wish there wasn't other things happening.

-Today was the first time I've missed a National Park battle Reenactment.

-According to my mom I'm pretty much faking my cold just to be an inconvenience. Yep.

-I'm sick of getting so miserable and angry for no reason. I dunno why I stress so easily.

-I can't figure out college. The only places with theater education programs are forever away, well not even that far. Just honestly further than I wanted from Col. But I really shouldn't let that be a factor. On the other hand, I don't want to be all that far at a school just for that program and then decide that's not what I want to do, because I really have no idea if it is for certain.


-I really miss Colin.
I get why things have to be the way they are, but it drives me fucking insane.


That's my rant, I feel better and needed to get all that out. Sorry for it.

Goodnight, Folks.

the fuck am I in a Calculus class?


My mom and teacher are emailing every .2 seconds because I'm the fucking retard of the class.
I'm almost failing.


And now instead of all the time I could spend with my boyfriend who I'm already crying about leaving soon, i have to either be studying my ass off/getting extra help instead because I have a fucking test Wednesday.

Super.


I hate being dumb, and it's too late to drop the class.
So I'm stuck
Being the class retard who's failing the honors course and sitting here for the rest of the year with my parents hating me.

OH! And my grades still have to go to the colleges I'm trying to get into.
Fucking awesome. Glad I won't get accepted to them...sweeeeeetttt.




Goodnight, Folks.

....I hate dinner here.

I wish my mom would just let go of the family sitting together dinner thing. It's terrible.
The usual routine is a fight starts, my mom starts insulting my dad, eventually my dad completely snaps and yells, then we sit in complete and utter upset and awkward silence....and then the cycle starts again....for the entire time I'm trapped at the table.

I do not like seeing my dad almost cry.

I do not like the place my house has become.

It's just a boxing ring.

My dad's even just mad at me now too.
He said he's going to start walking at night, and I told him it'd be good for him to quit smoking so the walk would help him more....and he yelled at me to go screw myself.

...I don't think my dad's healthy at all and it scares the shit out of me. He's trying to exercise, my mom was yelling at how he's probably going to get lung cancer and die, and he just came home after falling and hurting himself running.


This house is so full of years of unsaid resentment I feel like I can barely breathe.


And I've had a terrible, awful realization that I don't want. Not lj material, but I might need to call someone later so I don't explode.


I'm just looking forward to Friday. When Col's here I can sit through the house okay because I know I'll see him and be in his arms and then I'll forget about how everything is here. It's when I'm without that for awhile that I start to go a little insane. But I know I'll see him soon so I'm okay.


I just have to get through this week, which is fine....I just need to study like crazy for my math quiz Friday...I have straight A's and a 65...whoooo! Why am I taking Calculus?


*sighs* and I wish I had more than two colleges that I'm applying to right now.
But I dunno what the hell I'm doing. It's all very confusing.

I want to stop getting sick.

Meh. That's all.


Goodnight, Folks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vtHwWReGU0


Watch. Listen. Do.