Your Shining Star

perrywinkle692 @ 2009-05-31T17:35:00

2009-05-31T21:38:36Z

I would like

more time to hang out with my friends

I would also like if stupid hypocritical people who claim that I'm mean, weren't mean enough so that that becomes impossible.

Thank you.

I need to graduate

2009-04-30T22:20:27Z

Badly.

I can no longer stand to be in a house where it's weird for an argument not to be happening between my parents.

I really hate senior girls.

I get annoyed with everyone pretty easily actually.

Prom drama never stops.

I have to take a calc quiz tomorrow on stuff I completely don't understand, after missing the review for the stupid choir festival today, and I'm already failing the class.

I'm worried about the AP exam.

I'm not allowed to go to Kiddums prom where I'd actually have a great time for a night because my mom insists that me going to the caberet with tons of people that I can't stand is more important.

If Mrs. Hill is actually coming to Col's show, the one weekend I get with him. I will burst into tears or kill her. It's a toss up really.

I'm crazy emotional about all these dumb things even more because I'm constantly in some sort of pain, prone to breakdowns over all of the deaths in this year, getting into fights with my mother, and missing my boyfriend.

I miss being me. I miss being crazy and having fun.
I need college. I need a new start to be myself and find myself.

There's been too much drama this year.
I need to get away.

Grief

2009-04-19T03:22:39Z

I've hit that point in a long distance relationship where I feel like I'd rather die than be doing this.

And that's not Col's fault. It's just that I don't know how to handle things by myself.

I'm weak.
I need someone.
I need to be held, I need to be loved.

I can't handle being so damn scared, grieving, and lonely all at the same time by myself.

I should be strong enough to handle my life. To handle the grief and the fear by myself.
But I just can't. I need comfort.

But I can't have that.
So here I am.
I hate this. I hate everything. Nothing gets better. I truly believe that.

That's my whiny rant.
The end.

Well,

2009-04-16T23:13:24Z

Bad news and good news.

Bad news - I have Lupus.

Good news - It seems like it might be drug-induced Lupus which means that I have the gene for Lupus for some reason, and certain medications that I've been on for awhile have triggered it. So, I can no longer take my acne medicine, or my birth control...which is super....and in two months they'll check my blood again. If there's no sign of Lupus and my pain seems to have been going away, then I'm fine. If it gets worse before the two months are up then most likely I have Lupus anyway and need to go to the rheumatologist as an emergency and have him put me on steroids which will have tons of fun terrible side effects on my body.

I'm thinking it's probably drug-induced. Seems that way, so I'll be fine. But the thought of this not going away...of me having SLE...my life as I know it would be over.

I'm sure there's no reason to be, but until I make it two months, I'm scared to death.

Sorry to any friends who read this and didn't know.
I didn't want to talk about it today. This seemed easier.

Goodnight, Folks.

perrywinkle692 @ 2009-03-11T17:14:00

2009-03-11T21:23:19Z

I hate coming home. I hate it.
There used to be things that made it okay, that even made me look forward to it and those are stupid cats.
Michael's gone. He's been gone, and I still miss him everyday.
Now Simon, the adorable five month old kitten that followed me everywhere is gone too.
He was five months old, and I had to hold him and watch him die. I still can't stop picturing it in my head and it drives me insane. He was so fucking tiny...he changed my life in two months, and now he's gone.

I want love in this house again. I want a reason to want to be here again. Megan's home temporarily but then she'll be gone, and I still have Ricky and Tasha around but they're both pretty indifferent to my existence. The cats that I had a loving relationship with just die.

My dad's coming home from the hospital in a bit, because on top of all this my grandpa's dying. We've been told it's pretty much only a matter of time. I don't know if I really want to see my dad, I hate seeing him upset. I hate being this upset.

I dreamed about Simon and Grandpa last night and I woke up crying.

I hate death.

I want this all to not be happening.

I'm

2009-02-18T22:03:13Z

not very bright.

I accidentally took two of my allergy pills in one day because I forgot I had taken one already..
...So I pretty much passed out for the entire day. I'm soo smart.

Probably not good considering I have to miss school tomorrow, but whatever. Hopefully they'll still let me be at rehearsal so I don't miss that at least.

-I'm going to Arcadia tomorrow to sit in on classes. I'm excited but scared to see how it'll be.

-Maybe I am materialistic. Not as bad as girls I know, I know that. But I guess a girl's still a girl and I can be.
*Shrugs* Oh well. It happens. It won't be the end of the world.

- My mom just started to talk to me about condoms. That was weird.

I was going to update more, but my head feels like it's going to explode. So I'm going to go lay down until practice

This

2009-02-12T03:09:49Z

Just made my life so much better. Cutest thing ever.

Where I Stood

2009-02-03T03:41:10Z

It's been awhile since I've done an emo rant.

-I go to Arcadia to spend the night Wednesday. I'm scared. I'm an awkward person and I have to spend 24 hours with a random girl.
Maybe I'm also scared that I'll like Arcadia a lot. As long as I have a good time doing the overnight thing, I figure I'm going there...and that means this terrible, awful long distance thing for years.
Now that's terrifying. I don't think it'd work after years...But I can't base a college decision off of that, and I know that. It just sucks knowing that.

-I need to see a therapist. Pretty badly, I guess. But I can't. After I talk to one I know they'll just put me on pills, and I really don't want that. Pills can't stop the real problem, just the symptoms. I don't know what to do. I don't want help, but I know I need it.

-I wish I wanted to be a voice major. Because Mr. Walker talked to me about Westminster and kept saying "I know kids like you. I'm not pressuring you...I'm just saying you might find you miss it, and then you need to call me. Because you're too good for those schools." Who knows, maybe I will change my mind. I wish I wanted to sing forever. I just don't think I do. Maybe I mostly don't because of my mother. I don't know. I'll figure it out after freshman year. I go somewhere, away from home. Then maybe I will miss it..I know I'll miss it. But is just missing enough to want to spend the rest of my life doing it? We'll see.

-Also, I love Mr. Walker.

-I need to watch what I'm eating. I'm not saying I'm fat. I've just put on weight, and I know I need to watch it.

-I need to make myself do more work.

-I like being Jack's Mom after all. I've spent a lot of time with Walker working on how to be a crazy mother.

-I miss Micheal so much. I love my kittens, a lot. But I still cry over Micheal a lot too. I will never stop loving that damn cat.

*sighs*
well, that's it. I should play with the kittens and do some homework.
My birthday's in less than a week, that's something to look forward to.

Goodnight, Folks

Just When I Thought I Couldn't Be More Miserable

2008-12-18T03:39:20Z

I thought senior year was going to be bad. I had no idea.

There's nothing to look forward to, there's no happiness. There's no things are going to get better.

I am miserable.
Completely, utterly, and permanently miserable.

And because I'm miserable, I make everyone else miserable.
So I have no one.

I am no one.

I'm very alone and pointless.
I ruin everything, everyone. I'm sorry. I can't help being unhappy.

...I have nothing....absolutely....nothing.

I'm sorry for this.

How

2008-12-15T22:29:37Z

If we are who are we are, then how can we stop ourselves from becoming what we don't want to be, if it is who we will be?

Also,
I think there's a distinct possibility that I shouldn't go into theater.
But then I have no fucking idea what I'm going to do either...and why I'm looking at colleges I am.

I am me. But I'm not me. Very much and all at once.

I'm going to go blow up now.

I Just Wanted

2008-12-13T19:02:38Z

to be able to have one thing this year to make me not want to kill myself.

And I fucking ruined it for myself.

I really hate life.
I'm done.

I Want

2008-12-09T03:50:21Z

- My cat

- The Witch

- My boyfriend

- My parents not to be depressingly and awkwardly out of love.

- Calculus to make some sort of sense

- A chance to prove myself

- My eyes to fix themselves, because I don't want glasses

- All of Howard's papers to go away

- Not to be incredibly stressed

I love my friends, and I realized this week how lucky I am and how many people I have there for me.
But, I still can not wait and need Colin and my sister to be home.
Just...without the damn cat, my house is so loveless and empty. My parents don't even talk in public anymore lately, and the other cat has actually proven now several times to hate me...I just feel alone here now. I never realized a cat could make that difference.

Oh well. Pondering has relieved some of the "Imgonnablowup" stress of Calculus and call backs.

Goodnight, Folks.

I

2008-12-05T18:54:43Z

hate hate hate hate hate hate hate
divas

and people who purposely try to provoke drama

i wish I could get this part. I fucking love it. It would mean so damn much to me to finally get to prove myself.

I'm trying so hard, and I'm only going to keep trying. But I still know the reality of how things are going to end up, and that sucks so fucking badly.

Oh well. There's nothing else I can do but try.
I just hate getting my hopes up. I want it too badly.

Goodnight, Folks.

perrywinkle692 @ 2008-11-30T11:42:00

2008-11-30T16:48:16Z

Micheal's dead.

I don't know how to stop crying.
I don't know how I'll stop thinking that that stupid cat sat with me whenever I was crying.

This is something that can't be made better.
I loved him. And we let him die in a fucking hospital. He was scared, he was alone, he thought we abandoned him there. He doesn't know how much i loved him. I'm so sorry.

Colin's leaving today, Meg's leaving today, Glor's gone all week.

I don't know how I'm going to survive.

Everything makes me think of him, I can't stop. He's gone, and that's never going to stop hurting.
God, I loved him.

My cat

2008-11-29T22:46:26Z

is my baby.

He has a heart murmur.

He's lost 50% of his body weight.

He weighs five-six pounds now.

They think he might have kidney disease, but we have to wait until blood results on Monday to find out.

I'm scared something will happen before then.

he's the most hyperactive cat in the entire world, and he's sitting...not moving...not responding to anything.

I'm a mess.

Giving Ground

2008-11-23T19:17:45Z

-I don't know what happened to the close friendships with best friends I used to have. We're not supposed to grow apart until next year, this year's supposed to be about being together.

-I have a habit of doing stupid things out of loneliness.

-I'm really glad there are amazingly sweet people in my life who take care of me even when the person that was supposed to doesn't give a shit.

- I need to hang out with those people more, because they all make me happy.

- I fucking love the fall play juniors for making my life with senior gifts ^_^

- I also really love adorable gay waiters, who bring me crayons and make fun of us for word search racing.

- ...The phone just rang. I'm accepted to Albright!...wasn't expecting that. Cool.

- Although now I'm really gonna start having to debate where I'm going.

- I can't believe I had my last fall play. Holy shit, Man...I'm accepted to two colleges and I just had my last fall play...weeeeirrrdddd.

- My parents are yelling...wheeeee

- I really don't want to fail my Calc test. I need to study my ass off in a little while.

- Musical auditions make me want to blow up already.

- I get way too emotional and hurt too easily.

- I can not wait for my Colin to be home in two days.

I'ma gonna go bake cookies to make myself happier.

Goodnight, Folks.

Ground Analysis

2008-10-26T23:33:12Z

Alright, I need to be whiny. I apologize.

-I think mostly what's upsetting me currently is the fact that I've put on weight. Which yes, is lame, and no I'm not saying I'm fat so don't get mad at me. I just, bleh. My homecoming dress was like painfully tight and it fit this summer...sooo that proven realization that I've let myself get a lot heavier, is just not so awesome right now. I just wasn't quite ready to be definitely shown the amount of weight I've put on. I need to actually start watching what I eat and eating healthy, and exercise. I'm embarassed of myself right now, and it doesn't feel good at all. I'm lazy, but I need to do something about this before it gets worse. I'm way too upset and embarrassed for myself but I can't help it. It's painful to me. I want to go back to a few years ago and how I looked. I'm too self-conscious and it drives me insane. I try not to give a shit anymore, but I really do. It hurts.

-I don't have many friends, and the ones I do have are slowly drifting further and further away.
I feel ridiculously lonely.

-Homecoming was really fun at times. I just wish there wasn't other things happening.

-Today was the first time I've missed a National Park battle Reenactment.

-According to my mom I'm pretty much faking my cold just to be an inconvenience. Yep.

-I'm sick of getting so miserable and angry for no reason. I dunno why I stress so easily.

-I can't figure out college. The only places with theater education programs are forever away, well not even that far. Just honestly further than I wanted from Col. But I really shouldn't let that be a factor. On the other hand, I don't want to be all that far at a school just for that program and then decide that's not what I want to do, because I really have no idea if it is for certain.

-I really miss Colin.
I get why things have to be the way they are, but it drives me fucking insane.

That's my rant, I feel better and needed to get all that out. Sorry for it.

Goodnight, Folks.

Why

2008-10-13T16:50:54Z

the fuck am I in a Calculus class?

My mom and teacher are emailing every .2 seconds because I'm the fucking retard of the class.
I'm almost failing.

And now instead of all the time I could spend with my boyfriend who I'm already crying about leaving soon, i have to either be studying my ass off/getting extra help instead because I have a fucking test Wednesday.

Super.

I hate being dumb, and it's too late to drop the class.
So I'm stuck
Being the class retard who's failing the honors course and sitting here for the rest of the year with my parents hating me.

OH! And my grades still have to go to the colleges I'm trying to get into.
Fucking awesome. Glad I won't get accepted to them...sweeeeeetttt.

Goodnight, Folks.

Publish Disappointment

2008-10-06T23:20:56Z

....I hate dinner here.

I wish my mom would just let go of the family sitting together dinner thing. It's terrible.
The usual routine is a fight starts, my mom starts insulting my dad, eventually my dad completely snaps and yells, then we sit in complete and utter upset and awkward silence....and then the cycle starts again....for the entire time I'm trapped at the table.

I do not like seeing my dad almost cry.

I do not like the place my house has become.

It's just a boxing ring.

My dad's even just mad at me now too.
He said he's going to start walking at night, and I told him it'd be good for him to quit smoking so the walk would help him more....and he yelled at me to go screw myself.

...I don't think my dad's healthy at all and it scares the shit out of me. He's trying to exercise, my mom was yelling at how he's probably going to get lung cancer and die, and he just came home after falling and hurting himself running.

This house is so full of years of unsaid resentment I feel like I can barely breathe.

And I've had a terrible, awful realization that I don't want. Not lj material, but I might need to call someone later so I don't explode.

I'm just looking forward to Friday. When Col's here I can sit through the house okay because I know I'll see him and be in his arms and then I'll forget about how everything is here. It's when I'm without that for awhile that I start to go a little insane. But I know I'll see him soon so I'm okay.

I just have to get through this week, which is fine....I just need to study like crazy for my math quiz Friday...I have straight A's and a 65...whoooo! Why am I taking Calculus?

*sighs* and I wish I had more than two colleges that I'm applying to right now.
But I dunno what the hell I'm doing. It's all very confusing.

I want to stop getting sick.

Meh. That's all.

Goodnight, Folks.

An Amusing Message

2008-10-04T21:35:39Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vtHwWReGU0

Watch. Listen. Do.

Apparently

2008-09-22T22:29:02Z

if you ever take Aleve you should drink about eight tons of water with it
Because if you don't then it will sit in your chest, you'll burn your heart, and then spend a day in the worst pain ever that feels like a knife's going through your chest constantly with more severe pain every few minutes coming and going

Yay!

At least that's what we think might be doing it.

If my heart still hurts tomorrow I have to go to a doctor. Which will suck because doctors just make you get eighty million pointless things to figure out exactly what's wrong.
Also, I don't want to miss another day of school. I hate making up work.
Not that I know how I'm going to sleep tonight, because it hurts way more whenever I lay down.

Sorry. My heart feels like it's fucking exploding, I haven't slept from pain, and my parents are arguing. I just needed to release some frustration. I really hate being sick.

Goodnight, Folks.

Just in case you haven't already watched it

2008-09-16T23:15:23Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wi9WEj21h1g

I think

2008-09-12T21:02:56Z

Mrs. Hill should have her very own section reserved in hell.

I don't care if it sounds like I'm a diva.

I'm seriously debating quitting.
But I love my goddamn middle school kids. I wish I could do that without her!!

I want out of this performance. Now.

And even worse on my mind, isn't even her right now.
Ahem:
I really really can't wait for you to do a terrible, terrible performance.
I hope everyone tells you how much you suck.
In addition to that, if this behavior continues, we will no longer be friends. That's just how it is. I can't be friends with someone I have absolutely no respect for. It doesn't work.
So, have fun losing your soul.
I hope it's worth your two best friends.
Way to learn how to sell out.

Go get run over.

Remember when fall play used to be family?
Awesome.

I haven't felt this angry in a long time.
I have lost my respect for too many people today.

Goodnight, Folks.

"18 years is a long, long time to not be knowing where you're going"

2008-09-11T23:50:20Z

I thought we were finally settled on this.
It was nice.

We were getting along, and actually almost bonding. Which was a much needed and really awesome change.

Now here we are once again. It's back to music, and how that's what I need to be doing. Well, not what I need to be doing because she gets that music is not what I want to do it's just "such a shame." ...which is the phrase she used repeatedly and repeatedly throughout this icy conversation.

I just...gah. I thought we were cool. And all this was settled. I thought that the fact that I might do theater was cool with both of us. And now that I'm starting all my college visits this weekend, I get the bitch blow out. It's just...awesome to know no matter what I decide to do, she'll never be happy with me.

I'm thinking of doing Theater Edu. right now. And if not that then probably regular education. I told my dad that tonight, and he told me that he thinks that's cool....and my mom glared at me.

So this is how the rest of my life is going to be. About it being "such a shame" for me to have wasted "all that talent." She seriously even told me, ahem, "If I'm ever in a coma or senile I expect you to sing to me. Because I think I'll hear it." ...which would be sweet I guess. If it didn't just strike me as another example of her creepy obsession with my voice.

And when I explain to her that I can't be in Stanley's office or talk to her because I never want to suck up for any part I get in life, she looks at me with disappointment. I told her today that I was sorry, but I'd rather have my pride and always know I earned what I got, than to ever think of it based off of sucking up.
...I'd like a mom who would say, "I'm proud of you that your morals come first too." Or anything. Besides just staring at me like I have three heads and telling me that "it wouldn't hurt to talk."

I'd like you to be proud of me for being me, Mom. You're really proud when I perform, you're proud when I practice, when I sing.
But you're never proud of just....me.

I don't want to do music, and I'm sorry that that's always going to be this big a deal. But goddamnit, I know I have the ability. And that's why I CAN'T do it. Because I know I can...and that's why I think a lot of music kids do do it...and that's not enough. You need the hardcore passion.
You're right, I love to sing, I really really do love it...but I just don't feel like. I dunno, like it's my destiny. I feel like I'd know if it was, maybe I'm just crazy.

I don't want to spend my life doing something just because I can.

I want to do something in life because I can fuck-up and have to work really hard to do it, and after that, I still love it.

*sighs*
I'm sorry for this explosion.
I just feel very...deserted.

And my plastic tooth feels loose. Which would be the worst thing in the entire fucking world. Because if it falls out, I'd really rather kill myself than go to Albright. And I'm not even joking about that. I dunno how I'd go. I don't think I could.
So...awesome.

Goodnight, Folks.

Amazing Planet

2008-08-22T05:06:09Z

I truly apologize for this entry, but I need to sort out my brain.

I miss him already.
This hurts. I don't know how to be without him.

I'm too dependent on him really, I suppose. I don't know how to be without him. He's been my best friend for like 5 years. So, I've always depended on him in a way. But since we've been together he's been my everything. Almost everyday has been spent with him this summer. I no longer know what I'm going to do about anything without him. He's been the one to call me and give me something to do every single night, he's the only person who I can finally let out all I need to cry about to, he's the one I count on showing up when I'm upset, he's the one who doesn't sleep for a night so he can protect me from the ghosts that scared me from a horror movie, he's the one who protects me from everything in general, he's the one who drives me when I'm too scared of the weather or the directions, he's the one who stays with me when I'm sick, he's the one who orders food for me because I hate to, he's the one who makes me happy no matter how miserable I was before he showed up.
I depend on him to take care of me...and I can't anymore.
I mean, I guess in all reality it's time to grow up and take care of myself more. It's time to make your own plans instead of waiting for him to come save you if you don't want to be home, it's time to be okay with crying by yourself instead of in his arms,to stop being so scared of everything that he needs to protect you from.
But I don't want to.
I want that to all stay. I want him to be able to take care of me, but I guess that's now become selfish.

So I'm trying really hard to grow up for him, to be okay with all of this. To pretend like I can handle it all, and I will be able to. It just takes more time. But I want to be strong for him for once. He's what matters here. Making him happy.

And yet, I already started to get upset that he didn't seem to care much that I won't see a lot of him his first weekend home.

But whatever.

And the last thing I ever want is for him to feel bad about this. Which I guess this entry doesn't help with. And Love, for that I'm so so sorry. All I want is for him to be happy. Then I really know this will all be fine. I'll deal with the me problems to make this work for us. He has a lot to worry about besides me, so I can try to make me stable enough for our relationship to work, and let him figure out the rest of the craziness he's going through.

So, it'll be work to figure out how to be less dependent...to figure out if feeling like I want to look more into Albright is a terrible thing or not.

It's all gonna take time.
That's all there is.

It'll be okay though. It's us. It has to be.

I'm so sorry for writing this, Love. It's probably the last thing you feel like reading, and forgive me for that. I just needed to sort these thoughts. I love you more than anything.

Goodnight, Folks.